Strength

Sometimes I wonder where strength comes from. There have been days in my life when I think that if I even tried to stand up, my legs would just give out, and I would have to just lie where I fell for a long, long while before I could get up again. I think this, and yet I stand up and I walk, all the while thinking how much simpler and easier it would be to just hit the floor.

There are days when I imagine what it would be like to act on my emotions in the moment. The results of losing self-control could range from screaming randomly to throwing large, heavy objects at windows. I imagine this, and yet I sit calmly and make small talk to acquaintances and classmates, smile politely and maintain normality. Perhaps I'm so ingrained to think of the consequences of my actions that this awareness allows me to keep myself in check.

Or perhaps it's that I am, in a way, too stubborn. When I think about it, the worst thing that has happened to me is that I am stressed and unhappy with my given circumstances. Granted, I have been in circumstances that have made me feel utterly miserable, but ultimately, my unhappiness is largely self-imposed. I have not been financially displaced. I have not lost a loved one recently. Really, I am in the privileged position of one who's life is so good that they can raise their standards for what makes them happy. Having enough to eat for the day is taken for granted. Being in school does not feel like something I want to celebrate. In other words, my unhappiness is caused almost solely by my dissatisfaction with the way things are versus my excessively high expectations. I am lucky to be able to entertain such expectations in the first place.

Even when I feel like I am so miserable I can barely keep my head up, I think to myself how good I really have it and how bad things could possibly be. There is a world of things that could go wrong in the future. I could watch my world fall apart around me, and if I can barely handle a heavy load of homework without being supported and encouraged, how can I expect myself to be strong in any worse circumstance? So I mentally slap myself in the face and say, "Get the hell up. This isn't even bad."

Others have things so much worse than I do, and somehow they manage. The way I see it, I have to train myself. Learn how to buck up for the small things, and maybe I'll be ready when something great and terrible this way comes.