Choices

On the face of it, I don't make much sense. At times, I feel as though I have several completely separate sides of me, warring with each other every day. I declare my desire to fly away from home to a new state and a new way of life, independent and free to grow and succeed. Yet another part of me longs for the comfort of my old way of life.

There is a coward in me. It wishes to stay the same, planting itself in the past and digging its claws with powerful inertia. I fear new things. I dance away from awkward meetings with potential new friends. I hide in my room like a hermit thinking the world is too much for me to handle.

There is an arrogance in me. It runs deep and argues with the coward. It scoffs at people and looks down on the masses who all think and feel and live not-so-different lives. It is condescending toward those from whom I might learn so much.

There is a liar in me. It tells me I can't do anything. It whispers that the world is moving and more confident than I. It says I'm not good enough for the increasingly elite world. Not smart enough, not clever enough, not creative enough.

These are the things that hold me back, but they are not the only things. For thrashing against the coward is the dragon that knows it has vast wings and longs to fly. Against the arrogance speaks wisdom that reminds me to not discount the words of my peers for there is never an end to learning and no limit to who can be my teacher. And against the liar, there is reason that looks upon me for who I am and where I stand among the rest of the world's people and tells me that if I have come as far as I have, I stand just as much of a chance.

I have many fears and insecurities, many flaws, many facets. I am a sarcastic critic and a cynic who looks at things as they are. I am kind and courteous, thinking of others when it isn't even required. I can be scathing in one moment, then timid the next. Yet it is all me. People are complicated and that makes them interesting. They are not just one thing. They are noble, yet cruel, clever, yet so utterly stupid. Maybe there is fear, arrogance, and anxiety in me, but these are not the only things. They are merely opportunities to choose who I am and what I let myself be.

I have learned bravery through defying crippling anxiety and humility through being brought down in the midst of arrogance. The comfortable do not become stronger and the flawless do not grow. We are all contradictions and massive ones. We tell fascinating, complicated stories that are as nuanced as classic literature. My life will be a continuous struggle between each part of me, but it is that struggle that makes us so unbelievably, beautifully human. We are what we choose to be.