On Happiness

Happiness is pain. Well, alright, not exactly. Happiness begets pain: always. Happiness is in the comfort, the security, the moment, the stasis, and the world is changing. The world is changing, and we must, therefore, also change, leaving the moment behind.

Two years ago, my Economics teacher asked me if I had any material desires, and I looked him straight in the eye and said, "No." He looked quite astonished, and I doubt he believed me or at least thought I was deluded. I remain convinced, however, that I was the closest to the happiest, most satisfied person in the world at the time. I still believe I answered correctly and truthfully. After all, I was precisely that happy.

One year later, I had finished a year of college and was overjoyed to return home for the summer. I waited for what seemed like forever to be back, and I relished that summer. Now it is autumn, and I am back in school. I was reflecting on one particularly sad night about the nature of change and how even the most perfect moments of our lives will never stay with us. I came to realize how great a risk being happy--truly happy--really is.

We invest our souls in happiness, and when the time comes for that happiness to dissipate and move on with the turning of the world, a part of our souls is lost, only to be found in a memory, a mere ghost of the moment. And thus we feel pain, and a great, extraordinary, terrifying pain it is. Time flies, we grow up, people die, and we cannot go back in time no matter how hard we wish.

I think some people can't abide this agony of losing a deep part of themselves to the cruelties of time, so they opt for the life of empty pleasures. They invest in nothing, and therefore lose nothing, but neither do they gain anything. Happiness requires great sacrifice and courage. We give hearts up again and again to something we always know we will lose, yet we do! Why? Because it is worth it! Love and safety and acceptance and peace and joy are all worth it.

We move forward with the world, whether we want to or not. We are slaves to change, but that is not the end of the story. Though it seems change has a way of slaying our greatest joys, change also created them. Happiness has meaning because it can be lost. A life is beautiful because it can be destroyed, because it does not last forever.

I lost my heart before. I will lose it again. Parts of me have died and more will follow. I have no regrets. Happiness is pain. And oh, what a beautiful pain it is.