A Little R&R

Before I started attending college, my sleep schedule went a little something like this:
Sleep at 10:30pm
Wake up at 6:00am on school days and 10ish on weekends and holidays.
I would say that's pretty reasonable. After a while of living on my own in Seattle, however, I found myself staying up slightly later until midnight, but waking up at increasingly later hours. Now, waking up at 10 is considered early for me. If I allowed myself, I could sleep until 2 in the afternoon before I feel ready to get out of bed. Usually I force myself to wake up by noon at the latest since I feel like I am wasting the day and daylight is actually quite precious in the throes of winter.

At first, I thought perhaps it was a delayed onset of teenage sleep syndrome (not a real syndrome, by the way). Or perhaps it was a build-up of jet lag, pushing me back further and further in the day. Then I wondered if it could be some sort of underlying sign of depression. I think that might have been the closest guess. The conclusion I have reached at last with which I am finally satisfied is that sleep and rest are somewhat different things to me.

Sleep is a vague thing, and there remains some debate as to whether it is actually useful for something or whether we just evolved this trait since we could not occupy ourselves for 24 straight hours. The fact remains, though, that we need to sleep. Unfortunately for me, getting enough rest is not simply a matter of getting enough sleep. No matter how early I go to bed, if my insomnia doesn't keep me up until 2 in the morning anyway, I still wake up tired if I wake up before 10. I never really feel fully rejuvenated until I have had a day in the week during which I can sleep in for a long period of time and in general, act like a slug. Until I have such a day, I feel generally completely worn out. This was never a problem in the past, back in high school when I could go for several weeks without having a day to lounge around. Now, I feel utterly worn out without it.

I believe the reason is that living on my own creates a weight of additional responsibilities. I am the only reason I have to get out of bed every morning. No one else is going to command or encourage me to get up. Should I choose to, I could stay in bed the entire day if I let myself. I think it must take a toll on a person to be the only one they can rely on. This is the daily exhaustion that comes with being an adult. So every day, I go about my business, getting this and that done, lest I face the consequences of inaction in the future. Every moment of the day, I am thinking of what needs to get done, what responsibilities I must tend to. So there really aren't very many moments when I'm totally relaxed. Thus, the only time I have to really forget about the world is that period between sleep and wakefulness when my mind gets to wander and float aimlessly in my imagination. I don't notice anything when I'm actually asleep. But when I'm half-conscious and still abed, I'm aware that I don't have to think about much of anything, and I can finally let my neurotic mind rest.

So I need those breaks when I sleep in for most of the day. It's the only way I feel I can recharge. Because the routine of life is the only reason I have to get up every morning, and right now, it's not quite motivating enough.