The funny thing about college is the learning.
Not academics, mind you. That would be too obvious. Up here, I'm learning a lot about growing up. I've learned what it's like to be independent, depressed, stressed, and tired--things I thought I already knew well back in high school, but being away from home in this environment made me realize I didn't know them well at all. In high school, such things were akin to that acquaintance you always wave at when you pass them in the hallways, but can't quite remember their name or when you met them, or if they're even the person you actually think they are.
My last post spoke of exhaustion. Now here's a semi-new experience. I've come across a situation in which my best, and I mean my absolute best, effort was worth nothing. Today, I got a C on a test, which might seem somewhat petty, but my grade was counting on this test, since it's the second C I've got in this class on a test. The thing was, I studied ridiculously hard for the test. I could explain all the concepts, and I knew the math. I took the test, missed a few problems, but overall thought I answered the questions well. Apparently not. I walked out with a 74 and no curve, because apparently the class average was a 79 and therefore not in need of a curve. The thing is, I still believe my answers were good, but I still walked out with shit for a grade.
I called it a semi-new experience because I felt the same way at homecoming of senior year. But, while winning senior homecoming was important to me, it could never hold a candle to the place academics has in my heart. So this is a new experience in the sense that I have never been so beat down in the area of my life that is my pride and glory.
I realized, after much frustration, self-abasement, and internal arguing, that contrary to what I had previously believed, I am still as much of a sore loser as I was at my cousin's birthday party when I cried because I got eliminated in the first round of Simon Says. The only reason I can endure losing is when I've convinced myself that I've got no stakes in the game. When something is as important to me as school, I'm just as bad at losing as I always was.
It must be that I feel that it somehow demeans my value. How can I view myself as an intelligent person if I've got nothing to show for it? I'm average, an average old idiot! I know this can't be true--and it's not something I just tell myself--I know I'm not stupid. And I've got lots to show for it. A couple Cs does not make me stupid! Lots of people have been in this situation because no one is perfect!
I honestly don't know what I'm trying to prove or who I'm trying to prove something to. Who do I need to convince that I'm valuable aside from those who already see me as someone of value, 4.0 or not? I don't understand. It's not something I've figured out about myself. I have yet to figure out that part of me that makes me who I really am, what lies inside myself that, despite success or failure, makes me valuable. I don't know. I could use some help in that area.
But I know I'm not a loser. Losers give up. Right now I want to give up. But giving up is easy, and I spit on easy. Strength comes from doing the hard thing, and being a sore loser makes things extra hard, because it makes you question the point of everything. I hate losing, but my greatest failure would be accepting it. They say failing is not in the falling, but the refusal to get up again.
I'm not a loser. Because I'm stubborn as hell, and I don't stay down.
Hang in there! It seems like you've got a lot figured out already - like the fact that you don't have to prove yourself to anyone. I've had to learn too that grades aren't who you are. It's not those letters on a page - it's a fierce sense of dedication to high-quality work, a drive to do well, the confidence to pick yourself up when you fall, the stubbornness that keeps you from being a loser. This kind of situation is where you grow the most - when you are pushed and pulled and you feel like giving in.
ReplyDeleteYou are worth far more than your grades.